I figured it was time for another diary post update. We were planning on going back to Prague for our frozen embryo transfer in March. I ordered the meds last week and, according to the tracking number, they are due to arrive any day now.
But there’s been a change of plans.
We’re not going to Prague in March.
Hopefully, we’re not going to Prague for a long time…
Do you see where this is going yet?
Maybe if I stop adding all those Enters and just spit it out. It’s hard though because I’m terrified. Terrified of saying what I want to say and having to take it back in a day or two, a week or two, a month or two. But I want to. I need to. In case all of this isn’t panning out the way we’re hoping it will, I feel that I’d want to write about that too. It’d feel dishonest not to tell you.
How in the world did we manage to conceive naturally after all of this? After trying month after month. After getting nothing but single lines on pregnancy tests. After last month’s failed IVF cycle, which showed no lines on the 20+ tests I took (including a blood test!). Can this actually be real?
I saw my first ever line 11 days past ovulation (DPO, as the cool kids call it). It was so faint, I could barely see it. Mr. Frugalcrib and I spent the rest of the day looking at the 10+ tests I took and we agreed that something was definitely there. We did the most unfrugal thing possible and went out and bought a bunch of expensive pregnancy tests as I had just been testing with the flimsy ones I got for free with all the ovulation prediction kits (OPKs).
For the IVF-folks, that would have been 6 days past 5-day transfer if this was an IVF cycle.
I waited an extra day and then tested using a FRER and there was an actual (faint) pink line next to the control line! So I did what any sane person would do. I panicked and got worried to death because it was faint. Yes, we were over the moon that there was even a little bit of a line, but still!
The line looked a lot better a day later, at 14 DPO (IVF-terms 9dp5dt) and a digital test confirmed it that same day by displaying the most beautiful word I’ve ever seen: Pregnant.
It’s two days later today which makes me 4 weeks and 1 day. That means the miscarriage rate is still about 30% at this point. All I can think about is that 30%. Every time I have this big grin on my face about the pregnancy, my brain reminds me that I shouldn’t be enjoying this too much as there’s still this 30% chance of failure.
It’s so funny how your brain works. Just 2 months ago I felt like IVF wouldn’t work because there was “just” a 30% chance of success. Now, that same 30% chance miscarriage feels like a certainty just waiting to happen.
I keep thinking I wouldn’t be worried if the lines on my pregnancy test were extremely dark, or if I had a load of pregnancy-like symptoms, but maybe I’m just fooling myself.
For now, I think I’ll step away from the daily testing and taking my temperature and try to not stress out too much. I can’t change the outcome one way or the other, so what good does it do to worry myself to death before even knowing whether something is wrong? Easier said than done though!
To be continued…
Edit: of course I couldn’t just relax about it and I kept on testing… only to find out that the lines weren’t getting darker. It’s not looking good. Let’s see what the doctor says. Click here to read more.